Jute’s Stories

“Are you ready?” His calm voice helped me. I took a deep breath then exhaled, letting consciously relaxing and nodded.

The needle sunk into my neck with a sharp prick, it wasn’t too bad until he started the wiggling it around.

“I just need one drop of blood but it’s being stubborn. Just one and it will be okay.”   I concentrated on the breathing.

He’d shown me earlier on the sonogram exactly what he was going to do. I had liked him before but I liked him even better for respecting my intelligence and curiosity. I’d seen the two masses one looming darker and much larger than the other one. He’d said the smaller one would be considered large, but in perspective to the other, it was tiny.

Four times he asked if I was ready. Four times the needle sunk in and wiggled. The last time was the worst, but when he apologized and asked if it hurt I told him honestly I’d had much worse.

It was over soon and he cleaned and bandaged my neck. I would know the results in a week. One more week of waiting…

My ex was waiting for me.

I had told him two days ago during an argument that I didn’t want him to take me to the doctor. I had been unprepared for his reaction. He’d been very upset and distressed and I still wasn’t sure exactly why.

Things had been bad that day, but now they were much better. I had been angry over a number of things, some justified, some just misplaced sorrow at the situation, but we’d had a long talk and eventually the air cleared enough that I agreed to let him take me to the doctor.

On the way there and back I chatted incessantly; a sure sign of my stress level. I babble when I’m scared. He listened and chatted back some. It was getting easier to talk to him as a friend.

I really wanted to get to that stage, where we can just be friends. Lust no longer enters into our relationship, but I want to feel the kind of love between us that can only be found between two friends that have shared something deeply meaningful.

It’s helped that I am trying hard to get out more. Over the weekend I went to dinner with the friend of a friend. Not a romantic connection at all, but one to attempt to extend my circle of friendship. It was fun. Nice to talk to someone who had enough interests in common to keep the conversation going but differences enough to make it appealing.

I’d been playing Lineage II less, not because I had lost my love of the game, but because I felt it was important to me to expand my activities.

But right now my neck hurt a lot. The doctor had said it might but it shouldn’t be more than a day of discomfort. The really difficult part was the waiting.

One week to know if I have cancer. I can’t even write that without feeling a flash of panic.

Sometimes my whole life feels like it’s lived like that, always waiting for something down the road; Friday night, my next paycheck, my heart to heal, my test results. Waiting…

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 17th, 2006 at 12:57 pm and is filed under Day-to-day. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.