Jute’s Stories

I was surprised by the feeling of anger that washed over me as I glanced at his sleeping form.  He was here because I had asked and he wasn’t doing anything but sleeping, so I found the sudden rush of hot emotion as uncomfortable as it was unexpected.

I had possible surgery looming and I needed help if I had to have it.  I didn’t have anyone else here to help me and I felt trapped.  So I’d asked him as a way to help myself and also as something that would help him.

Love isn’t like a faucet you can just turn off.  Even when you know things won’t work or you care about someone else, you still have this trickle of emotion.  I still care about whether or not he’s okay; whether he’s happy.

So we agreed to this mutually beneficial arrangement.  He would stick around to make sure I was okay and help out if I had to have surgery.  I would continue to pay the bills.

But it wasn’t working quite like I had thought it would.  Maybe it was just the lack of food affecting my judgment when I came up with the idea and it never was workable.  Maybe it was feasible but I just wasn’t strong enough.  Whatever the reason, right now I was battling my anger.

I did understand where part of the anger originated.  Whether or not it was accurate I felt as if he’d destroyed my world and happily was going about enjoying his new life.  I was left with the pieces while he was having all the fun.

My friend’s visit had helped an incredible amount.  But it had also pointed up how lacking things had been before between my ex and me.  I’d had fun talking, arguing, laughing and just hanging out with my friend and although I know that things change in a relationship and become less intense, they should never become less companionable.

I had asked my ex when I first felt we were headed for trouble if we could please do some things together.  Something.  Anything.  Just so we could spend time enjoying each other.  But he hadn’t responded and that indicated to me he really had no interest in spending time with me.

He didn’t read my writing or express any curiosity about my website or my life in Lineage 2.  I knew those were warning signs but I didn’t know how to fix this.  I told him last time we talked that the thing I was angriest about was how I felt he didn’t even try to save our relationship.

But I bear responsibility as well.  One thing that was wonderful about my friend being here was how free I felt.  He knows me better than pretty much anyone.  He knows my past, the good parts and the bad.  He knows the secrets I’ve kept and the dreams I cherish.  My ex didn’t see that part of me.

I should have shared those things with him.  Perhaps he would have rejected me.  Perhaps we still would have been here, but at least he would have truly known the woman he was leaving behind.

Things can never be the same.  In the end, ultimately, I hope they will be better for us both, but right now I still have to battle the anger.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 9th, 2006 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Day-to-day. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.