Baby steps
I’m trying to eat again.
Sunday was a very bad day and I ended up scaring myself enough that I know I have to try hard to stop this.
Things hadn’t gone so well on Saturday and Sunday. I had discovered that there was more to the deception than I’d originally thought and that gave me a bit of a set back. I had tried to eat a bit more since Friday but after getting hit with new things I slid back into eating nothing.
Sunday is a blur and that’s what scares me. I don’t remember most of the day. My ex is staying at my place for the time being. He isn’t actually there that much, since he spends a lot of time with his new girlfriend, but at least I have someone to check on me from time to time and make sure I haven’t keeled over.
I hate how things ended between us, but I really think we both will be happier. I have been unhappy for a long time now, extremely depressed and feeling trapped in a situation I did not know how to escape. I know he felt similar things as well.
He does love me, as I still love him, but it’s the kind of love you have for someone who has been significant in your life and not the kind it once was. Still, no one likes being rejected for another and that will sting for awhile. In any case, we have worked out an arrangement for the time being that will be mutually beneficial.
It’s just that there is still that whole weird grief thing. Anytime something like this dies, you mourn. I realize that part of my mourning is not very healthy for me and Sunday was a stark reminder of how dangerous it can be.
I know at one point I almost passed out, but I remember virtually nothing about the trip. I can’t keep doing this to myself. But saying that is easier than doing it.
August 1st, 2006 10:39
“I know at one point I almost passed out, but I remember virtually nothing about the trip. I can’t keep doing this to myself. But saying that is easier than doing it.”
It comes down to will power and choice. How much longer are you willing to punish yourself vs how determined are you to do what you know you need to. Nothing worth doing is ever easy.
Moo
August 1st, 2006 19:21
Oh Jute don’t make me come out there and force feed you cookies. Or something else entirely unhealthy.
August 2nd, 2006 00:50
Once one of my teacher said to me…There is no trying, either you do, or you dont.
Also my other teacher said to me…Life is hard, and then you die, before you die, you cry, wishing you had done the things that you havent.
If you have something locked inside of you, let it go and be free. Dont punish yourself, instead, be happy that you made a mistake, you’re human.
Physical pain is bad, but emotional is the worst. If you have emotional pains, talk to people about it and try to deal with the problem. You can live with physical pain but not emotional.
Or just post it here. Whichever seems easier to you. I personally finding chatting online easiest for me to communicate and tell the truth for you cant see the others.
Live by the motto “You gotta move on.”
No matter what happens, the clock ticks, the earth spins and everything around you moves on. You cant stay dwelled up inside in the past. I understanding how bad it is to lose peoples…take a deep breathe and tell yourself that, this is life. However cruel it might be, you gotta keep walking down the road and look foward and not back. The only thing keeping you back from flying is yourself. Be free.
~J.C.
August 2nd, 2006 01:34
I am glad you’re starting to eat a little bit more, you need to take care of yourself and I hope we your friends can be there for you and help you cope just a little bit better with this loss *hugs*
August 2nd, 2006 21:20
Hey, Jute. I do read this even if I don’t always comment to you about it.
Take care of yourself. No other person is worth doing harm to yourself.
August 3rd, 2006 15:15
Jute, please don’t do this to yourself. We all love you and want you to get through this horrid experience safely.
August 4th, 2006 20:39
Jute, you know i am here 24/7 for you…But you keep yourself so closed in chat
August 7th, 2006 10:29
Hey, Jute, don’t make it bad
Take a cookie and make it better
What can I say… I really hope you’ll get over it soon. Don’t punish your body because of someone else. I’ve been there, done that(I’m male, FYI
), so speaking from unpleasant experience can tell: you don’t want to go there. 
Try to find something that makes you smile and laugh, even a little. Pretend to be happy, force your body to be happy and if you pretend hard enough, you will be.
To give you some stimulation, here’s how it goes with the food deprivation: the first couple of days you are hungry and your body is saying the CH depots are being used. Then suddenly your hunger stops. That’s when fats become the energy source… Suddenly you feel euphoria, you feel you might never ever need food(wrong). Because each unit of fat has double the energy of a unit of CH… And when in a couple of weeks your fats are gone, it’s time for your proteins… By then you’ve crossed the point of no return, your nervous system is on the verge of collapsing(or it already has), because your brain uses simple CH(sugar &spice) to function. Now, tell me, doesn’t that cookie look nicer?