Control
I know it’s unhealthy. I know I should stop, but I can’t seem to make myself. Maybe if I write about it will help me move past it.
Since that Tuesday night when my world caved in I haven’t eaten hardly anything. I added it up yesterday and I’ve eaten less in 8 days than I previously did in one. At first I wasn’t hungry. The grief and depression dulled any cravings for food, but that eventually passed and I started feeling stirrings again.
However, then something else started happening. I just refused to eat. I would feel the hungry, but no need to satisfy it. In fact it was almost like an odd sort of power trip.
There’s a strange kind of euphoria I’m experiencing. My life around me is all out of control but I can control this. I can say whether or not I put a bite of food into my mouth. Hunger is a primal force, but I can control it.
I also know that part of it is poor self image. In the years I was with my boyfriend I had gained some weight. The irony is that women who are happy in relationships do this, study after study shows they gain weight. I was mostly happy. And then there was my thyroid out of whack that contributed to the weight gain.
At the moment I feel ugly and horribly unattractive. I’m not a beautiful woman, but at least I don’t have to be overweight and not beautiful.
So I’m sure part of it is also a weird sort of reaction to that.
I was surprised at how well my energy maintained for so long. It’s amazing how long we really can go without food. But this morning I find myself feeling fairly weak. I know I should walk over to the local deli and get something…but something keeps holding me back.
I just made a couple of odd mistakes here at work, so my mental facilities are definitely not working as well as they should.
I guess it’s time for that walk.
July 28th, 2006 11:03
“Now, I don’t know about anyone else but there are few things that strike terror into my heart more than dementia. Losing my life I can deal with, losing my mind I can’t.”
“I added it up yesterday and I’ve eaten less in 8 days than I previously did in one.”
“I just made a couple of odd mistakes here at work, so my mental facilities are definitely not working as well as they should.”
Your own words say it best.
Moo
July 31st, 2006 17:56
well hey just thought i stop by and check out ur web page
i gotta say i love the homepage but wasn’t expecting to stumble in this piece of personal space…
i wanna say i hope u feel better altho coming from a stranger it probably wouldn’t mean much
one thing i could say is that i’ve been thru that, lost 20 lbs in two weeks and didn’t even realize it
u’ll be fine eventually, time will heal everything
and hey if losing some weight makes u feel better, i’d say go for it
u know urself better than anyone else does