In the dark
I’ve been through this before. I know that even when you feel like you are going to die from the pain in your heart and soul, you survive and go on. Gradually it fades and life becomes good again.
It’s better every day. I only cried once yesterday and that was brought on completely unexpectedly. One of my friends wanted to show me something she’d done and pulled out a bag with a ceramic plate in it. I burst into tears much to the chagrin of my poor friend.
You see a couple of weeks ago, my ex had painted me a mug at that very place; one with his name and my name and a heart on it. Of course he’d painted it there with her. He’d said he’d done it to show his love for me. I almost smashed that mug the night I found out for sure what was going on.
I’ve always done that, not smashing mugs but erasing people from my life. If a relationship broke up and they were out of the picture, I got rid of everything that ever reminded me of them, even when it was me who did the break up. Sometimes later I regretted that. I would have nothing but my memories of them.
I was tempted to do that this time as well, but I held back. Maybe I can find a place between the pain of looking at things that remind me of him and keeping items that will be good memories.
I laughed yesterday several times, friends on line keeping my mind occupied; helping me to move along, so I know that progress is being made.
But this morning in the wee hours before I woke to get ready for work, I dreamt of him. He held me close again and whispered his love. Telling me how much he’d missed me. I woke with a start and a heavy heart, not wanting to sleep again to feel the pain of that illusion.
Too bad we can’t control our dreams.
That’s when I feel the ache in my heart the most. The heavy loneliness when the room is dark and quiet. I miss the butterfly brush of his lips deepening into passion. I miss the feel of his hands across my skin. But more than anything I miss the quiet comfort of his arms around me.